So, this now my official blog site! 🙂

Don’t judge me though; I’m not crazy computer/technology savvy, so it probably won’t look super nice just yet. Haha.

I had a big, long list of names I was considering for my blog, because this one is like a legit site that I have to pay for, haha. So, I wanted a name that was fairly easy to remember, gave an idea of what my blog focuses on, and heck, I wanted one that sounded cool. 😉

The name I chose, “removing this mask”, is actually a line from a writing (I don’t know if I dare call my writings “poems”) I did when I was in high school. This was about the time when my depression was really starting to manifest itself. Although, I remember feeling incredibly sad from a very young age — back to my elementary years.

I’ve felt very suicidal at points in my life, and in classes where I had all my work done or while all the other kids goofed around and talked, I would sit and write in my notebook. It’d just write and write and write. It was as if getting my feelings down on to paper somehow helped me. I truly think that writing, or other forms of ‘art’, are incredibly therapeutic and can help you work through and begin to understand what you’re feeling.

I can’t remember if I showed my mother, or if she found my writings, but I will always remember seeing her cry as she read some of the things I had written. It gave her a look into my ‘world’ and what was going on in my mind — a glimpse into my internal battlefield. I think it was very hard for her to read those things coming from her daughter. I’m sure no parent would ever want their child to feel that way.

In fact, I sometimes think…the way I feel about myself…I would never wish that upon anyone. Ever.

—-

Anyway, I’ve transferred all my posts from my old blog over to this one, so those are here for you to read as well, in case you’re interested. 🙂
Love you all! xo

I’ve been having an especially rough last few weeks.

I’ve felt sad, hopeless, lost, forgotten, mistreated. I’ve been worrying about the future quite a bit. Will I get married? Will a man ever love me that way? Will I be able to help people in the ways I have such a desire to? How can I help people? What can I do to better myself?

These, and many more, are questions that I ask myself every day.

I always feel kind of guilty…because when I’m having a particularly hard time, I feel like I pray a lot more than usual. It’s kind of sad to me that it it takes that for me to go back to God. But, I think we might all be that way to an extent.

Sometimes when I pray, I turn on the fan in my bedroom (for white noise, haha), I lock my door, and I kneel on the floor and just pour my heart out to God.

For the last few weeks, my prayers have consisted of a lot of crying. Some of those tears are happy ones. Some are not.

It can sometimes feel like I (or you) are truly the only ones in the world who have the feelings we do. I feel this way fairly often. I think to myself, “How is it even possible to feel this sad? Is there no end to it? What am I doing wrong?”

Seeing this picture the other day reminded me of a most beautiful, yet humbling thought. My (our) brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows. He truly, 100% understands those feelings I’m feeling. Those feelings you feel.

The thoughts of self doubt, the feeling of not wanting to go on, not wanting to live… as I’m kneeling there…He is there with me. He is there with all of us.

I sometimes think that perhaps when God sees us go through very hard things in life, He weeps for us. He weeps with us.

He is our Heavenly Father. He is our father. It’s not easy for Him to see us go through difficult things. It’s not easy for Him to see us want to hurt ourselves, or even end our lives to escape the emotional turmoil.

No matter what hardship you are facing, please find hope in the knowledge that there is one who knows all. And I truly believe that He desires, so greatly, for us to go to Him for help.

I don’t jump up, click my shoes together and shout for joy when I’m done praying. Things still feel hard. But I do feel a renewed sense of hope.

It’s good to know we’re not alone. We never have been, and we never will be.

I love you all.

Sweet dreams, from me, to you.
xoxo,
Mariah

My friend showed this music video to me years ago, and I cried. Yup. I cried. And I thought to myself, “Shoot. That is the kind of love I want.” The hikes, car wash fights, laughter, not caring what you look like 24/7, knowing that the other person love you unconditionally.

I was just lying in bed and thought of this song and video, looked it up, and you better believe it made me cry…once again. Haha.

Lovers dance when they’re fallin’ in love…

There’s this thing on Instagram where people will post pictures of…say, a guy with chiseled abs and a girl with a flawless face and look to her, and they’ll be making out, or in a bed naked (with blankets covering only the parts necessary for the picture to be acceptable on social media), and other pictures like that. Then, the person posting the picture will say ” #relationshipgoals “. I’ll often see many other people on Instagram “tagging” their boyfriend or girlfriend in the comment section of the picture saying stuff like, “OMG, babe, this is sooooo us!!!” Or girls and guys tagging their friends of the same sex, and saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh!! He is soooo hawt! We need a guy like this!!!”

I always die a  little on the inside when I see this. Haha.

Last Sunday, I was at my parents’ ward for church. My little sister and I were watching my dad teach the Sunday School class for the adults in our church. My mom had to sneak in at one point to drop something off. My dad stopped what he was teaching and with a big smile on his face, proudly said, “And this is my beautiful wife, Ruth, for those of you who don’t know her.” She shyly waved, smiled and left the room to go about her business.

My little sister leaned over to me and whispered, “Relationship goals.” We both kind of giggled, but then it really got me thinking. I looked back at my dad, who was beaming. It seriously almost brought tears to my eyes as I got thinking about the love of my sweet parents, and just love in general.

There is a quote I love by Gordon B. Hinckley that reads, “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion.”

I. Stinking. Love. That.

I remember first seeing this quote when I was young and my mother had hung it on our refrigerator door. It has come to my mind many times over the years.

I have a sister who I can never seem to get to watch a movie with me. Finally, fairly recently, I said, “Why do you never want to watch movies with me?!” She went on to explain that some movies are hard for her to watch because the love story looks like it comes so easily. It’s discouraging and frustrating to her.

After hearing that, I was like…Hey, maybe that’s why I feel sad when I watch some movies too. Ha! The kind of love that we see in movies, TV shows, etc….it’s not realistic. At least, the vast majority of the time, I would say.

This is also a reason I don’t watch the TV show “The Bachelor”. From what I’ve seen in the past, and from when I see snip-its of when others watch it, it makes me super depressed. I think to myself, “What am I doing wrong?! What’s wrong with me?” Especially when you see the girls on there that are so incredibly rude. It sometimes makes me frustrated because I feel that if, perhaps that guy was to get to know me and give me a chance, he would see I’m a nice person and have a good personality.

My mom will often reassure me that what we see on that show is nothing “real”. And she’s right. I just sometimes need someone to remind me of that.

—

I love my parents’ love and their relationship. Life has never been ‘easy’ for them. My parents have raised 7 children, and have 4 grandchildren. When I got into my college years, and took a class where I learned about how much it costs financially to raise just ONE child, I was blown away. Haha! It’s insane! So expensive! But, they wanted a big family. When we had our Christmas Eve dinner this past December, my dad was saying how, with each of us children, my mom and dad prayed and thought long and hard about whether or not they should try to have more children. I truly believe we were all meant to be the children of my two wonderful parents.

They have, and continue to have, their fair share of hardships. They’ve had many financial struggles, they’ve helped their children through various mental illnesses, they’ve had many things in life that have tried and tested their love.

When I look at them, I see true love. Once in a while, they’ll take a moment to talk about how much they love each other at family events and whatnot. To see them sometimes tear up, and when they reach out and hold each other’s hands, or when they give each other a short — yet ever so sweet — kiss on the lips…I see true love.

Not long ago, I was asking my mom if it’s hard when my dad has to work so many long hours, and if she’s sad they don’t go on any extravagant date nights.

She smiled, and told me, “Some of my very favorite times with Woody are when we go out and work on projects in the workshop.”

Ugh. Tuggin’ at my heartstrings! Haha 🙂

People age, bodies change. No one will look and stay young forever — no matter how much people pay in an attempt for that to be the case.

So, the pictures with the guy with chiseled abs and the girl with flawless skin? Yeah, that doesn’t matter. And, that physical stuff won’t last anyway.

My parents are both 59 years old now. 🙂 They have age spots & gray hairs….and I see them as truly beautiful and inspirational individuals. Their love is such an example to me. And it is exactly what I want.

When I see my mother and father….I think #relationshipgoals

🙂

I feel like I’m beginning to have a glimpse of what parents are feeling when they say, “I wish I could go through that for you” to their children. My heart breaks when my nieces tell me stories from school where kids were rude to them, when they felt embarrassed, and so forth. I feel sad when my little nephew is sick and doesn’t feel well. I wish I could go through those things for these sweet little kiddos.

What’s amazing to me, though, is that our brother and Savior, Jesus Christ, truly did go through all the things we go through – he felt the heartaches, pain, suffering…every single thing…for every single person that has lived and ever will live. To me, that is beyond amazing. As humans, we can’t even wrap our minds around that concept. I mean, I have enough sorrow in my life alone (haha), so imagine taking on the woes of everyone.

No matter how trivial a struggle or feeling you feel may seem to another person, to Christ, that struggle or feeling is very real. He is sometimes, perhaps, truly the only person who can understand fully how we feel.

With all the terrible and sad things that are happening in the world, I will sometimes go to my mother to vent…and cry (haha). (I’m pretty sure I’ve grown up learning to be like…hyper-sensitive to other people’s feelings. It goes with the terrain of having depression. 😉 But, those thoughts are for another time…) I will say things to my mom like, “It’s not fair. Why does this have to happen to them?!” She will let me talk and vent all I need to. Then in the end, she’ll sometimes tear up, smile and say, “Mariah, the atonement will fix everything and make everything fair.”

In the moment, that’s not always what is easy to hear. Because I want fairness, and I want it now! But, it’s true. And I have to remind myself of this often. I have to trust in the Lord, and know that in the end…the atonement will truly make everything fair. Wrongs will be made right, terrible things will be healed and people that have struggled and suffered beyond all belief will find overwhelming happiness in Heaven, with the Heavenly Father that loves us all dearly.

It’s not that Heavenly Father wants us to go through these things…but they must be done, because when we chose to come to Earth, we knew that everyone would have free agency and that things wouldn’t be easy.

I don’t know…I just find hope in remembering this from time to time. Like I said, it isn’t always what I want to hear, because it’s so incredibly hard for me to see others suffer, but I have to look at it with an eternal view.

You would think, (or I would think), that as time goes on, as years and years go by, that living with depression would get easier. That you’d get “used” to it, you’d learn to handle it, etc.

Why does it feel like just the opposite?

There are days that are “wins” and days that are “losses”. Today, the last several months, have been losses.

It probably sounds cheesy and pathetic, but to me, life — just living — feels like a battle. And that feeling is a good amount of the time.

Sometimes everything makes me feel like I’m going to cry. Sometimes I like the crying. I welcome the tears. If I’m alone (and I have the time to spare, haha), I like to have a good cry. I think it can even be healthy once in a while.

But, as I’m working with my dad, or doing whatever else, I can’t just sit and have a good cry right then and there. So, things get inconvenient. Life gets inconvenient.

Sometimes, even as I’m working, the sadness is so prominent, it’s literally all I can think about.

My mind races — I can’t concentrate on all the different “coping skills” I’ve been taught and how I could put them into effect at that very moment. (I hate the term “coping skills,” by the way.)

Things feel impossible.

I’m sure it’s hard to understand these things if you don’t have depression, but sometimes I feel so sad, it seriously feels like it’s the end of the world.

Sounds crazy, right? It is so hard to explain this idea, but, to me, this feeling is real. It is all-consuming.

I guess the bottom line and why it feels like the end of the world, is because I’m so far gone in a state of sadness, that I feel utterly and completely hopeless. It’s hard for my mind to think logically in these moments — and it seems impossible that things can actually get better.

Just a few thoughts I had today.

Things have felt better tonight, P.S. 😉

Please remember to be nice and smile at everyone you can. You never know who is having an internal battle.

xo.

So, I had a thought tonight.

Now, this whole concept is like…INSANELY obvious, and I’ve heard stuff like this a million times…but….

I tend to feel lonely…often. I have amazing friends and family, but honestly, I do want a man I love in my life. This loneliness and sadness tends to worsen in the evenings.

So, just now, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy (haha), and they often have some reallyyyyy, really beautiful songs on there. (Adds to the drama, I guess). And music….gosh, I love it. And it makes me more emotional than I already am (haha), so I started tearing up at a certain part in the show. I felt moved by the music, I felt jealous of the love stories on the show, plus I was already feeling lonely.

But, recently, like the past 3 weeks maybe, I’ve been able to do this thing that I don’t think I’ve EVER been able to do before. I just stopped myself right there. And, let me tell you, to stop the very intense sadness that starts to come on, that’s very difficult for me. But I was just like, “Mariah, time out. Be logical.” And then I thought to myself, “Just keep living. Be happy, and when the right man and love comes into your life…it will feel 100 times better, because you’ve felt this way.”

AH! Plain and simple, right?! I know. But I was seriously like WHOA! Haha.

I think that what has been different is that it’s ME telling myself these things. It’s me, not another person comforting me or whatever. I did a post about how I thought to myself the other night, “You CAN do this.” And it like floored me, haha. I was like, whaaaaat? Positive feedback…from myself? Unheard of! 😉

But, it’s like, when someone tells me that I’m beautiful or smart, etc. (Which is very hard for me to believe because of my depression, etc.)….Yeah, they can say I’m pretty and smart for days on end, but I’m not gonna truly listen and believe that til I actually believe that for myself.

So, that was kind of what I felt tonight. It was like I came to the realization….on my own…that yes, hopefully one day I will find a man that loves me and I love him and we’ll be married and that will be amazing.

But, it’s okay. For now, I can continue to work on making myself a better person, get a career I love, and loving the point in life I’m in. And then, if and when I find the man I want to marry…it will be amazing and beautiful.

Haha! That’s all. Random post and crazy obvious logic, but I wanted to document this feeling (even if only for myself).

P.s. I’m sorry…I have such a hard time conveying my thoughts and feelings! Hopefully you get the gist of it 😉

Today, after saying a prayer, I just knelt on my bedroom floor thinking, “How the heck am I going to do this?” This, as in, life.

When will the sadness end? When will life feel worth it? My mind was clouded, as it often is when I’m very sad, and I didn’t see how I’d make it in life. How will I survive? I didn’t want to.

Then, I thought to myself, “Mariah, you can do this.”

Then, I started to cry. Haha.

THEN, I sat there, kind of in shock, thinking, “Why the heck am I crying after that positive thought?!”

I realized that was the first kind thing I had thought/said to myself in seriously the longest time.

In fact, I can’t think of the last time I gave myself positive encouragement like that.

We truly are our own worst enemies.
It’s so bizarre and interesting why and how our minds do that.

And more to be said on this topic in a later post…

xo.

P.s. On a happy note…
There was this episode of “Boy Meets World” where one of the teachers told Shawn, “You are your own worst Eskimo.”

Ha! It had to do with the episode….can’t remember how, haha. Anyway, I was just reminded of that.

For me, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is a God. Now, I’m happy to each person believes what they believe, so I don’t want this to offend anyone or anything.

But, in my eyes, with all the sorrow I see in the world, all the heartache and terrible things that happen….it’s like I almost have to believe that there is something more than this. 

And at the very same time…among the bloodshed, hunger, hate in the world….I know there is a God because of thegood that I also see in the world.

I have always been a firm believer in prayer. At times when I feel like I am completely alone….I still know I have someone to talk to. I know that my family and friends are always here for me to support me and listen to me. But sometimes, even then I feel utterly hopeless and alone.

I love that I can pray to Heavenly Father. Anytime. Anywhere.

I very often have little silent prayers in my head throughout the day — just to keep me going a little longer.

 
Recently, I had really gotten out of the habit of my personal prayers. I don’t really know why exactly, but I do know that I have a hard time with my prayers because my mind races and I can’t keep my thoughts on….well, one thought at a time. It is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel even more “crazy” and worse than I was previously feeling, so I’ll sometimes just give up.

For the past couple weeks, I’ve been praying out loud. And, let me tell you, this has been amazing. I’ll turn on the fan in my room so that I don’t have to worry about anyone hearing me through my bedroom door, and I’ll just kneel on my floor and let the words come. And they come easily.

Over the years, I’ve heard things like how we should pray to Heavenly Father like he’s our best friend that we tell everything to. I’ve also heard sometimes it’s good to really explain how you feel and why, etc. — even though Heavenly Father is all knowing, it is good to take that time to explain it. (I’m kind of having a hard time explaining what I mean, so hopefully this makes sense.)

What is interesting is that the reason I’ve been praying more is because I’ve been going through an extremely hard time. I’ve been incredibly sad (more than usual) for the past few months.

I kind of hate to think that what takes me back to my Heavenly Father is for me to have to go through a really hard time and go…crawling back to him, in a sense. That makes me feel really guilty and mad at myself. But, I guess that’s kind of what it takes. We have to go through hard times to realize how much we truly need our Heavenly Father.

When I realized that was what was happening, I remembered that this has happened in the past at different times. Perhaps I just got too comfortable not taking prayer too seriously and then it took something hard — a big trial — for me to kind of snap back into it.

Another thing that has been incredibly therapeutic for me is going outside to this little corner in our backyard where these stray kitties have been staying. I’ve been going out there each evening to feed them, and over the last couple weeks I’ve started sitting out there for a while. I will prayer while I’m out there too. I love it. It’s amazing to be in beautiful nature (which God has given us) and then pray to Him.

Honestly, I will just sit out there bawling and pouring my soul out to Him. And I seriously love it.

I will just kind of whisper my words, because I’m paranoid about the neighbors hearing all my woes. Haha! 😉

To be honest, I have a hard time believing that Heavenly Father loves me. I think that is most likely because of my depression. I feel unworthy of His love. Yet, I believe that He loves everyone else. It truly is the depression “talking”. So, I just have to try to have faith and force myself to know that He loves me.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share this with you all (for the few who even read this). 😉

I just love that I have kind of re-discovered prayer and all the power it has.

It’s so amazing to be able to tell Heavenly Father absolutely everything about my life, my thoughts, my feelings — even the things I feel like I can’t tell anyone else.

I think it helps to just get the words out there. Just to say out loud how I’m feeling. It’s like it makes it real. And maybe helps me feel that I can get through these hard times.