Pictures like this make me smile, cry, make me want to be a better person; make me want to change the world for the better. I have pictures like this covering my bedroom walls.

I have been sad my entire life. I have felt hideous for as long as I can remember, which dates back to my elementary school years. I have always wanted so badly to look like certain girls, be beautiful, feel beautiful.

My mind plays a record of “I’m ugly, I’m fat, my nose is huge, my face is chubby, my breasts aren’t big enough,” etc. literally hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day. It is literally every hour, every minute, every second.

One of the few things that keeps me going; keeps me from taking my life & being free of the heartache, the countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, the cutting, the daily battle of finding joy in life…one of those things is people like in this photo.

Those children are so incredibly beautiful. They may have close to nothing as far as material things in life, but look at those stunning smiles, look at the light they give off; look at that pure joy.

I think to myself, if they are happy, I need to be happy. This is easier said than done when you have Clinical Depression, hardcore anxiety, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder, but I am trying. It is so, so hard when people don’t understand that, so please be understanding of myself and others. But, heck, I am trying every second of every day.

I won’t give up. I won’t give in.

You know what keeps me going? Helping others. You guys, it is my dreammmmmm to help others who go through what I do. My heart aches for that. It’s my dream to go build wells for people who don’t have clean water to drink. It’s my dream to lift others who are down, give hope to the hopeless, bring smiles to those suffering.

It is my dream to change the world.

If I can make even one person’s life less burdensome, “save” someone’s life in essence, that, that right there brings me joy.

That is what gives me a reason to go on. That is what fights the negative thoughts about myself, that is what heals the cuts on my arm, that is what gets me out of bed when all I want to do is sleep to avoid living.

That…helping & healing others. That is living.

I’ve been having a hard time. Every day there are times when I feel in complete despair – some days the sadness is much more profound than others. Every day I ache for escapism. I feel like I don’t want to live, but at the same time, I want so badly to experience life & explore the world.

I weep. I pray for help. I pray for peace of mind. I used to pray I would die.

It feels impossible to explain how I feel – it is literally beyond words. You have to live, breathe, & experience it to really know; to fully understand.

And even then, I don’t understand it. It seems like it’s not even humanly possible to have such heartache day in and day out.

I love you all so, so much. Keep going & let’s not give up, deal?

xo
Mariah

One of the poems on my blog relates exactly to this. One line reads, “If I’m sleeping…I don’t see myself. And maybe that’s why I love sleeping so much”.

I’ve been strugglin’. I have to keep reminding myself that life IS  b e a u t i f u l. So dang beautiful.

 

 

You guyssss. Holy smokes. I have been sooo stinking sad, but my heart feels so incredibly full today. 💛

I love you all so, so much. –
As I share my experiences & parts of my life via social media, in the hope of helping others, I get such an outpouring of love back from you.

I cannot even begin to describe how much that means to me.

One of the few things I have always been proud of & loved about myself is that I am very kind. Honestly, I feel blessed to go through the hardships I do because it has given me great compassion for others. I want NOTHING more than to help people & “change the world,” as I say.

YOU…all of you people have & continue daily to change MY world & I cannot begin to thank you enough.

I love you all so much & I pray for & think of you daily.

T H A N K Y O U for being a part of my life. 💛 #thankyou

Someone sent me this picture on Instagram & it made me tear up. Isn’t the power of words amazing? Doesn’t it make you stop & think?

I am SO hard on myself. The things I think about myself, “ugly, fat, big nose, fat face” etc, etc, etc literally hundreds of times every single day don’t even cross my mind when I see & think of ANYONE else.

NEVER have I thought, let alone said, any of those cruel, nasty things about someone.
Isn’t that a tragedy? I, and I’m sure many of you, are so incredibly cruel to ourselves. It breaks my heart when I stop & take the time to think about it.

I had a therapist who once asked me, “if you had a friend who followed you around all day & said the things you say to yourself over & over, how long would you be their friend?” I kind of chuckled & answered, “well, I wouldn’t want them around, obviously.” He paused & said, “Mariah, that’s what you are doing to yourself”. Then, I cried. Haha.

Be softer with you. You are a breathing thing. A memory to someone. A home to a life.

I absolutely love that.

It feels as if my Body Dysmorphia has been worse than ever lately.

The other day, I sat down to eat lunch with a woman I work with. We have  had small talk here and & there, but never really talk-talked. Depression came up in the conversation, & I mentioned I have it. She was shocked & said something like, “I would never have any idea! I thought you had everything going for you.”

It almost made me cry, because for me, that depression…that nasty, evil thing…that is my life.

 
I cry every single day. I feel ugly and think about the way I look nearly every minute of everyday. And that is not an exaggeration. I often don’t smile because it makes my face look fat. I hate my big nose, my big head, my face. My chest is too small. My voice is annoying. I wish my eyes were shaped differently, my eyebrows placed & arched differently. Etc.

 
Sometimes I cry at work. I often want to die. I feel unlovable. I don’t date because I don’t feel pretty enough. I don’t think a man will ever see me as “enough” & love me. I have an incredibly hard time going out in public or in social settings, because I feel hideous & believe everyone is thinking i am as well. I don’t like to be seen by people.

 
People think I say these things for attention. I wish they knew how real it is. Body Dysmorphia controls my life. I am working hard to fight back against the countless cruel things I say to myself every day, but it is a long and trying process.

 
Here are some symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Please, always be kind to everyone & don’t judge. You never know what battles people are facing on the inside.