why is everything so heavy?

My heart ached upon hearing of Chester Bennington’s suicide.

Suicide is a very sensitive topic for me. I’ve had too many loved ones take their lives. I also feel suicidal very often. For me, I think I’m too chicken to ever follow through with it, but that doesn’t make those feelings of absolute despair and darkness any less real.

My heart breaks for Chester, as well as his family and friends. I don’t know EXACTLY what he felt and was going through, but I know what it’s like to want to die; to be done, to feel freed, to escape the pain.

I honestly hadn’t listened to Linkin Park for years, but I took the time to listen to their song, “Heavy” and fell in love.


Some of the lyrics I feel that I relate to are:

“I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down. I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy…cause I can’t escape the gravity.”

“I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? So much more than I can carry. I  keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on. Why is everything so heavy?”

“You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so f****ing messy.”


So stinkingggg relatable. I’m literally BARELY holding on; every stinking day. I didn’t make the choice to let my mind be so messy. If I just let go, I’d be set free.

you are loved beyond measure. 

Oh. My. Gosh. Literally my new favorite picture. :’) 
I oftennnn have a hard time believing that God loves me. I find it easy to believe that he loves everyone ever…except me. 

I think this is because of my depression; I feel unworthy of love. I feel pathetic, useless, selfish for feeling so sad all the time, vain for caring about the way I look, etc. 

I love Heavenly Father unconditionally. I pray to Him at least 5 times (usually more) throughout each day. I love that we, His children, can pray to Him anytime & anywhere. To me, that is beyond incredible. 

I have little silent prayers daily to help me through my struggles. 

I know He hears every single prayer. He weeps when we weep, He smiles when we smile. 

I just have a hard time believing He loves ME. So, I just try to have faith. Faith is an incredible thing. Blindly believing in something you can’t see, can’t touch..our minds don’t find that logical. But, I have & always have had A LOT of faith. I have to. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. 

So, I’ve made up my mind to start believing that God loves ME. I am lovable. I am special. I am powerful. I am brave. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am strong. I can do hard things. 

Even just typing this, I’m tearing up. Haha. It’s just so hard for me to actually believe. But, I’m going to do all in my power to start believing. 💛

I love you all unconditionally. And our Father in Heaven loves you unconditionally as well. NEVER forget that. You are NEVER alone. He knows your pains, your heartaches, your sufferings. 

Don’t give up. You are loved beyond measure.