why is everything so heavy?

My heart ached upon hearing of Chester Bennington’s suicide.

Suicide is a very sensitive topic for me. I’ve had too many loved ones take their lives. I also feel suicidal very often. For me, I think I’m too chicken to ever follow through with it, but that doesn’t make those feelings of absolute despair and darkness any less real.

My heart breaks for Chester, as well as his family and friends. I don’t know EXACTLY what he felt and was going through, but I know what it’s like to want to die; to be done, to feel freed, to escape the pain.

I honestly hadn’t listened to Linkin Park for years, but I took the time to listen to their song, “Heavy” and fell in love.

 

Some of the lyrics I feel that I relate to are:

“I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down. I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy…cause I can’t escape the gravity.”

“I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? So much more than I can carry. I  keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on. Why is everything so heavy?”

“You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so f****ing messy.”

 

So stinkingggg relatable. I’m literally BARELY holding on; every stinking day. I didn’t make the choice to let my mind be so messy. If I just let go, I’d be set free.

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