january 26, 2017

I don’t want to continue living. I hate every day. I hate myself. I am hideous.

My heart hurts. My soul and mind hurt.

I’m sitting here at work, trying so hard to not start sobbing.

a glimpse of hope & I thank you for that.

{The following is some writings I found from months ago.}

Hope is a huge things for me. Some days, when I have a little glimpse of hope, it almost (or sometimes does) make me cry.

It’s as if the very idea, the very thought that things can actually get better is so foreign to me, that it fills my body, mind, and soul with so many overwhelming emotions.

It’s as if it’s magic; like the ultimate miracle.


As cheesy and over-used as it sounds, I AM NOT ALONE. You are not alone. We – and I mean everyone in this world, no matter what battle we face – we are all little soldiers. We fight, day in and day out. We work hard to overcome difficulties. We cannot give up! We must not.

Sometimes, when I am at my very lowest points in life, and want nothing more than to be done – be gone, be freed from the way I feel – I think of you.

I think of you continuing to fight. I think of you not giving up. I think of you.

I love you. I love all of you. I love and admire you for who you are.

And I thank you for that.

xo

 

never rude.

A few months ago, my best friend, Andie, and I had left the gym at about 1 am. We stood in the parking lot talking for another half an hour before we decided we were freezing, weren’t leaving anytime soon and decided to hop into her car for warmth. From that point, we talked another hour and a half or so. It was one of my favorite times spent with her. 🙂

Anyway! What I wanted to talk about what something she said that night that struck me. We were talking about girls and how cruel they can be. We shared certain stories that had affected us and whatnot.

Andie shared some stories about a girl we both know who was always very popular. She was beautiful, all the guys obsessed over her, etc., but she was always so cruel to those who were perhaps seen as “nerdy,” unpopular, and those who would be targets for her to have power over them.

Andie told me some of the things this girl had said and done to her. I felt furious. I feel so protective over people I know, and it broke my heart to hear these stories. Andie is very different from me in the sense that she can easily blow things like that off and whatnot. She has enough confidence to not let those things get to her. (At least this is how I see it).

I wanted to scream and punch something as I heard these stories. I hate any time anyone is bullied or treated poorly. It breaks my heart.

Andie was very calm throughout the whole story-telling, and was even smiling and kind of getting a kick out of it. At one point, she kind of shyly, yet proudly said, “But, I was never mean to her!” as she laughed.

Andie is extremely humble, so I couldn’t tell if she was laughing because she felt shy of saying something good about herself or what. (That’s often how I am).

—-

However simple that statement was, it really got me thinking. In fact, I teared up as I realized… I have basically never been mean to anyone. I have never been cruel, teased, or bullied anyone. In fact, even though I’m shy and self-conscious as heck, I have always tried my hardest through school, work, out in public, etc. to go out of my way to help and be kind to those who may not feel confident in themselves, may be different than others, may be teased by others, etc.

I mean, let’s be honest, when siblings are young, they fight and tease and whantot, but then you forgive and forget. As far as being rude to someone who is not in my immediate family, I truly don’t know that I ever have been.

I don’t say this to boast, I say it because for ONCE in my life I felt so proud of myself!

—-

A person who is kind to everyone is one of the most attractive qualities I think anyone can have. It’s one of the very first things I look for in a man as I date. It speaks novels about their character.


Anyway, I just felt like I wanted to share that. Haha. Please always remember to be kind, smile at those you see, go out of your way and comfort zone so you can have the opportunity of comforting and uplifting others. We can all help each other get through this life that is, at times, so brutal and feels impossible.

Love you all so, so much.

xo

Mariah

 

 

DONE WITH WHAT I’VE LOST.

{I wrote this in my creative writing class. It was an assignment where you chose a phrase and write a short line for the beginning letter of each word.  Haha. Sorry, I don’t even know how to explain}

I chose to use “DONE WITH WHAT I’VE LOST” which is a line from a song by Straylight Run.

Depression.
Obsession.
No one.
Everyone’s

Watching.
Imagine
That
Happiness.

Whatever
Happens. There is
Always
Time.

I‘m moving on. I’m
Vanishing with
Every word.

Love,
Of
Something,
That is no longer real.