Before I post things about my mental illness, I worry & debate a lot on whether or not I should post them.

Over the years, I’ve had people say some cruel things. They say I’m only posting those things for attention, that I’m full of myself, etc.

I have had depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder my entire life. I was officially diagnosed with depression & anxiety earlier on, but it wasn’t till I was about 16 that I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder.

When I was diagnosed with these “mental illnesses,” part of me was incredibly ashamed. I thought a man would never love me, that people would think I was faking it, or think I was “crazy”.

I was in a Creative Writing class in high school, which ended up being an amazing outlet for me, & kept me from ending my life.

I would write anything & everything down; every thought, heartache, desire to hurt myself, wish to die to end the pain.

Sometimes we’d put our desks in a circle & share out writings in class. I remember sharing about my mental illnesses to a class full of people I barely knew.

It was difficult. I was shaking. I cried. But I never looked back.

I’ve shared my experiences, thoughts, & feelings with friends, family, in college classes, & now with all of you.

From a young age, my greatest desire, hope & dream has been to help people who are like me; people who know the pain & suffering of mental illness. I wish, with everything in me, that I could somehow reach out to everyone in the world to help them. Hear them. Hug them. Love them.

It may sound weird, but I seriously have sooo much love for everyone. I don’t know how to explain it. People I don’t know, people I see when I’m out & about, people I see in the National Geographic magazines, in new stories, people I’ll never meet, even people who I have never seen their faces — I just know they exist somewhere & I love them soooo stinking much.

Sometimes I’ll see someone at a store & wonder if they’re happy, & I’ll literally have to hold back tears because I’m so worried they aren’t happy.

I’ll read & hear news stories, see pictures of people suffering in the world, & I’ll weep. I pray to God to love them & watch over them for me.

Hopefully this doesn’t sound crazy or over-dramatic or something. My wish is to make a difference in someone’s life, not to make people pity me, or think I’m seeking attention because I share my story.

Anyway, I love you all with allllll my heart.  ❤

Together, we can fight this. We can conquer what feels absolutely impossible.

I think to myself that I’m “ugly” and “fat” (words that I would never even think or say about someone else) hundreds and hundreds of times every single day.

When it comes to words like “ugly” and “fat”, they literally seem worse & more evil than any swear word, or anything.

I had a therapist a few years ago that said, “Mariah, how long would you be friends with someone who followed you around all day and said how ugly and fat you are?”

I kind of laughed, and said, “Well, obviously I wouldn’t be friend with them.”

He replied, “Mariah, that’s what you’re doing to yourself.”

I started sobbing. I had literally never thought about it that way before.

Working on self love.

 

 

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to some of my siblings about the “mindfulness” concept.

My therapist recently taught me an exercise to help me be present, mindful, and try to get away from my obsessive thoughts of how ugly I feel, help with anxiety, etc.

If any of you want to try, this is what you do:

Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

And the things cannot be about you. The idea is to take your thoughts away from you and the way you look.

Just thought I’d share.

I am sooo proud of you all for not giving up, even when life feels like hell.

Keep fighting.  ❤

I don’t watch TV very often, but this season I’ve been watching The Voice. Kyla Jade (@kylasings on social media) was someone who stood out to me from the beginning.

Not only is she physically STUNNING, she has the most incredible heart, fun personality, & voice of a freaking goddess.

Tonight, Kyla performed the song “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman. In a behind the scenes shot, she was very emotional and said she chose that song because she has never felt beautiful, and wants to help other girls feel beautiful.

Needless to say, I sobbed through the entire performance. Still emotional typing this out.

If you follow my blog/page/whatever, you probably know by now that I feel that same way. But, to hear it coming from another person that they feel that way…ugh. I can never handle that. 😦

I wish I could heal everyone who feels that way.

Kyla, if you ever see this, I want you to know that you are phenomenal in every way. You are brave. You are bruised. You are who you’re meant to be.  ❤