Before I post things about my mental illness, I worry & debate a lot on whether or not I should post them.
Over the years, I’ve had people say some cruel things. They say I’m only posting those things for attention, that I’m full of myself, etc.
I have had depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder my entire life. I was officially diagnosed with depression & anxiety earlier on, but it wasn’t till I was about 16 that I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder.
When I was diagnosed with these “mental illnesses,” part of me was incredibly ashamed. I thought a man would never love me, that people would think I was faking it, or think I was “crazy”.
I was in a Creative Writing class in high school, which ended up being an amazing outlet for me, & kept me from ending my life.
I would write anything & everything down; every thought, heartache, desire to hurt myself, wish to die to end the pain.
Sometimes we’d put our desks in a circle & share out writings in class. I remember sharing about my mental illnesses to a class full of people I barely knew.
It was difficult. I was shaking. I cried. But I never looked back.
I’ve shared my experiences, thoughts, & feelings with friends, family, in college classes, & now with all of you.
From a young age, my greatest desire, hope & dream has been to help people who are like me; people who know the pain & suffering of mental illness. I wish, with everything in me, that I could somehow reach out to everyone in the world to help them. Hear them. Hug them. Love them.
It may sound weird, but I seriously have sooo much love for everyone. I don’t know how to explain it. People I don’t know, people I see when I’m out & about, people I see in the National Geographic magazines, in new stories, people I’ll never meet, even people who I have never seen their faces — I just know they exist somewhere & I love them soooo stinking much.
Sometimes I’ll see someone at a store & wonder if they’re happy, & I’ll literally have to hold back tears because I’m so worried they aren’t happy.
I’ll read & hear news stories, see pictures of people suffering in the world, & I’ll weep. I pray to God to love them & watch over them for me.
Hopefully this doesn’t sound crazy or over-dramatic or something. My wish is to make a difference in someone’s life, not to make people pity me, or think I’m seeking attention because I share my story.
Anyway, I love you all with allllll my heart. ❤
Together, we can fight this. We can conquer what feels absolutely impossible.