It feels as if my Body Dysmorphia has been worse than ever lately.
The other day, I sat down to eat lunch with a woman I work with. We have had small talk here and & there, but never really talk-talked. Depression came up in the conversation, & I mentioned I have it. She was shocked & said something like, “I would never have any idea! I thought you had everything going for you.”
It almost made me cry, because for me, that depression…that nasty, evil thing…that is my life.
I cry every single day. I feel ugly and think about the way I look nearly every minute of everyday. And that is not an exaggeration. I often don’t smile because it makes my face look fat. I hate my big nose, my big head, my face. My chest is too small. My voice is annoying. I wish my eyes were shaped differently, my eyebrows placed & arched differently. Etc.
Sometimes I cry at work. I often want to die. I feel unlovable. I don’t date because I don’t feel pretty enough. I don’t think a man will ever see me as “enough” & love me. I have an incredibly hard time going out in public or in social settings, because I feel hideous & believe everyone is thinking i am as well. I don’t like to be seen by people.
People think I say these things for attention. I wish they knew how real it is. Body Dysmorphia controls my life. I am working hard to fight back against the countless cruel things I say to myself every day, but it is a long and trying process.
Here are some symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Please, always be kind to everyone & don’t judge. You never know what battles people are facing on the inside.