change the world.

Pictures like this make me smile, cry, make me want to be a better person; make me want to change the world for the better. I have pictures like this covering my bedroom walls.

I have been sad my entire life. I have felt hideous for as long as I can remember, which dates back to my elementary school years. I have always wanted so badly to look like certain girls, be beautiful, feel beautiful.

My mind plays a record of “I’m ugly, I’m fat, my nose is huge, my face is chubby, my breasts aren’t big enough,” etc. literally hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day. It is literally every hour, every minute, every second.

One of the few things that keeps me going; keeps me from taking my life & being free of the heartache, the countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, the cutting, the daily battle of finding joy in life…one of those things is people like in this photo.

Those children are so incredibly beautiful. They may have close to nothing as far as material things in life, but look at those stunning smiles, look at the light they give off; look at that pure joy.

I think to myself, if they are happy, I need to be happy. This is easier said than done when you have Clinical Depression, hardcore anxiety, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder, but I am trying. It is so, so hard when people don’t understand that, so please be understanding of myself and others. But, heck, I am trying every second of every day.

I won’t give up. I won’t give in.

You know what keeps me going? Helping others. You guys, it is my dreammmmmm to help others who go through what I do. My heart aches for that. It’s my dream to go build wells for people who don’t have clean water to drink. It’s my dream to lift others who are down, give hope to the hopeless, bring smiles to those suffering.

It is my dream to change the world.

If I can make even one person’s life less burdensome, “save” someone’s life in essence, that, that right there brings me joy.

That is what gives me a reason to go on. That is what fights the negative thoughts about myself, that is what heals the cuts on my arm, that is what gets me out of bed when all I want to do is sleep to avoid living.

That…helping & healing others. That is living.

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