a renewed sense of hope. – january 25th, 2015

I’ve been having an especially rough last few weeks.

I’ve felt sad, hopeless, lost, forgotten, mistreated. I’ve been worrying about the future quite a bit. Will I get married? Will a man ever love me that way? Will I be able to help people in the ways I have such a desire to? How can I help people? What can I do to better myself?

These, and many more, are questions that I ask myself every day.

I always feel kind of guilty…because when I’m having a particularly hard time, I feel like I pray a lot more than usual. It’s kind of sad to me that it it takes that for me to go back to God. But, I think we might all be that way to an extent.

Sometimes when I pray, I turn on the fan in my bedroom (for white noise, haha), I lock my door, and I kneel on the floor and just pour my heart out to God.

For the last few weeks, my prayers have consisted of a lot of crying. Some of those tears are happy ones. Some are not.

It can sometimes feel like I (or you) are truly the only ones in the world who have the feelings we do. I feel this way fairly often. I think to myself, “How is it even possible to feel this sad? Is there no end to it? What am I doing wrong?”

Seeing this picture the other day reminded me of a most beautiful, yet humbling thought. My (our) brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows. He truly, 100% understands those feelings I’m feeling. Those feelings you feel.

The thoughts of self doubt, the feeling of not wanting to go on, not wanting to live… as I’m kneeling there…He is there with me. He is there with all of us.

I sometimes think that perhaps when God sees us go through very hard things in life, He weeps for us. He weeps with us.

He is our Heavenly Father. He is our father. It’s not easy for Him to see us go through difficult things. It’s not easy for Him to see us want to hurt ourselves, or even end our lives to escape the emotional turmoil.

No matter what hardship you are facing, please find hope in the knowledge that there is one who knows all. And I truly believe that He desires, so greatly, for us to go to Him for help.

I don’t jump up, click my shoes together and shout for joy when I’m done praying. Things still feel hard. But I do feel a renewed sense of hope.

It’s good to know we’re not alone. We never have been, and we never will be.

I love you all.

Sweet dreams, from me, to you.
xoxo,
Mariah

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