happy realization…that occurred while watching grey’s anatomy. – september 19th, 2015

So, I had a thought tonight.

Now, this whole concept is like…INSANELY obvious, and I’ve heard stuff like this a million times…but….

I tend to feel lonely…often. I have amazing friends and family, but honestly, I do want a man I love in my life. This loneliness and sadness tends to worsen in the evenings.

So, just now, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy (haha), and they often have some reallyyyyy, really beautiful songs on there. (Adds to the drama, I guess). And music….gosh, I love it. And it makes me more emotional than I already am (haha), so I started tearing up at a certain part in the show. I felt moved by the music, I felt jealous of the love stories on the show, plus I was already feeling lonely.

But, recently, like the past 3 weeks maybe, I’ve been able to do this thing that I don’t think I’ve EVER been able to do before. I just stopped myself right there. And, let me tell you, to stop the very intense sadness that starts to come on, that’s very difficult for me. But I was just like, “Mariah, time out. Be logical.” And then I thought to myself, “Just keep living. Be happy, and when the right man and love comes into your life…it will feel 100 times better, because you’ve felt this way.”

AH! Plain and simple, right?! I know. But I was seriously like WHOA! Haha.

I think that what has been different is that it’s ME telling myself these things. It’s me, not another person comforting me or whatever. I did a post about how I thought to myself the other night, “You CAN do this.” And it like floored me, haha. I was like, whaaaaat? Positive feedback…from myself? Unheard of! 😉

But, it’s like, when someone tells me that I’m beautiful or smart, etc. (Which is very hard for me to believe because of my depression, etc.)….Yeah, they can say I’m pretty and smart for days on end, but I’m not gonna truly listen and believe that til I actually believe that for myself.

So, that was kind of what I felt tonight. It was like I came to the realization….on my own…that yes, hopefully one day I will find a man that loves me and I love him and we’ll be married and that will be amazing.

But, it’s okay. For now, I can continue to work on making myself a better person, get a career I love, and loving the point in life I’m in. And then, if and when I find the man I want to marry…it will be amazing and beautiful.

Haha! That’s all. Random post and crazy obvious logic, but I wanted to document this feeling (even if only for myself).

P.s. I’m sorry…I have such a hard time conveying my thoughts and feelings! Hopefully you get the gist of it 😉

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