living with depression; the internal battlefield. – october 3rd, 2015

You would think, (or I would think), that as time goes on, as years and years go by, that living with depression would get easier. That you’d get “used” to it, you’d learn to handle it, etc.

Why does it feel like just the opposite?

There are days that are “wins” and days that are “losses”. Today, the last several months, have been losses.

It probably sounds cheesy and pathetic, but to me, life — just living — feels like a battle. And that feeling is a good amount of the time.

Sometimes everything makes me feel like I’m going to cry. Sometimes I like the crying. I welcome the tears. If I’m alone (and I have the time to spare, haha), I like to have a good cry. I think it can even be healthy once in a while.

But, as I’m working with my dad, or doing whatever else, I can’t just sit and have a good cry right then and there. So, things get inconvenient. Life gets inconvenient.

Sometimes, even as I’m working, the sadness is so prominent, it’s literally all I can think about.

My mind races — I can’t concentrate on all the different “coping skills” I’ve been taught and how I could put them into effect at that very moment. (I hate the term “coping skills,” by the way.)

Things feel impossible.

I’m sure it’s hard to understand these things if you don’t have depression, but sometimes I feel so sad, it seriously feels like it’s the end of the world.

Sounds crazy, right? It is so hard to explain this idea, but, to me, this feeling is real. It is all-consuming.

I guess the bottom line and why it feels like the end of the world, is because I’m so far gone in a state of sadness, that I feel utterly and completely hopeless. It’s hard for my mind to think logically in these moments — and it seems impossible that things can actually get better.

—-

Just a few thoughts I had today.

Things have felt better tonight, P.S. 😉

Please remember to be nice and smile at everyone you can. You never know who is having an internal battle.

xo.

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