prayer. – september 13th, 2015

For me, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is a God. Now, I’m happy to each person believes what they believe, so I don’t want this to offend anyone or anything.

But, in my eyes, with all the sorrow I see in the world, all the heartache and terrible things that happen….it’s like I almost have to believe that there is something more than this. 

And at the very same time…among the bloodshed, hunger, hate in the world….I know there is a God because of thegood that I also see in the world.

I have always been a firm believer in prayer. At times when I feel like I am completely alone….I still know I have someone to talk to. I know that my family and friends are always here for me to support me and listen to me. But sometimes, even then I feel utterly hopeless and alone.

I love that I can pray to Heavenly Father. Anytime. Anywhere.

I very often have little silent prayers in my head throughout the day — just to keep me going a little longer.

 
Recently, I had really gotten out of the habit of my personal prayers. I don’t really know why exactly, but I do know that I have a hard time with my prayers because my mind races and I can’t keep my thoughts on….well, one thought at a time. It is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel even more “crazy” and worse than I was previously feeling, so I’ll sometimes just give up.

For the past couple weeks, I’ve been praying out loud. And, let me tell you, this has been amazing. I’ll turn on the fan in my room so that I don’t have to worry about anyone hearing me through my bedroom door, and I’ll just kneel on my floor and let the words come. And they come easily.

Over the years, I’ve heard things like how we should pray to Heavenly Father like he’s our best friend that we tell everything to. I’ve also heard sometimes it’s good to really explain how you feel and why, etc. — even though Heavenly Father is all knowing, it is good to take that time to explain it. (I’m kind of having a hard time explaining what I mean, so hopefully this makes sense.)

What is interesting is that the reason I’ve been praying more is because I’ve been going through an extremely hard time. I’ve been incredibly sad (more than usual) for the past few months.

I kind of hate to think that what takes me back to my Heavenly Father is for me to have to go through a really hard time and go…crawling back to him, in a sense. That makes me feel really guilty and mad at myself. But, I guess that’s kind of what it takes. We have to go through hard times to realize how much we truly need our Heavenly Father.

When I realized that was what was happening, I remembered that this has happened in the past at different times. Perhaps I just got too comfortable not taking prayer too seriously and then it took something hard — a big trial — for me to kind of snap back into it.

Another thing that has been incredibly therapeutic for me is going outside to this little corner in our backyard where these stray kitties have been staying. I’ve been going out there each evening to feed them, and over the last couple weeks I’ve started sitting out there for a while. I will prayer while I’m out there too. I love it. It’s amazing to be in beautiful nature (which God has given us) and then pray to Him.

Honestly, I will just sit out there bawling and pouring my soul out to Him. And I seriously love it.

I will just kind of whisper my words, because I’m paranoid about the neighbors hearing all my woes. Haha! 😉

To be honest, I have a hard time believing that Heavenly Father loves me. I think that is most likely because of my depression. I feel unworthy of His love. Yet, I believe that He loves everyone else. It truly is the depression “talking”. So, I just have to try to have faith and force myself to know that He loves me.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share this with you all (for the few who even read this). 😉

I just love that I have kind of re-discovered prayer and all the power it has.

It’s so amazing to be able to tell Heavenly Father absolutely everything about my life, my thoughts, my feelings — even the things I feel like I can’t tell anyone else.

I think it helps to just get the words out there. Just to say out loud how I’m feeling. It’s like it makes it real. And maybe helps me feel that I can get through these hard times.

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