I think to myself that I’m “ugly” and “fat” (words that I would never even think or say about someone else) hundreds and hundreds of times every single day.

When it comes to words like “ugly” and “fat”, they literally seem worse & more evil than any swear word, or anything.

I had a therapist a few years ago that said, “Mariah, how long would you be friends with someone who followed you around all day and said how ugly and fat you are?”

I kind of laughed, and said, “Well, obviously I wouldn’t be friend with them.”

He replied, “Mariah, that’s what you’re doing to yourself.”

I started sobbing. I had literally never thought about it that way before.

Working on self love.

 

 

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to some of my siblings about the “mindfulness” concept.

My therapist recently taught me an exercise to help me be present, mindful, and try to get away from my obsessive thoughts of how ugly I feel, help with anxiety, etc.

If any of you want to try, this is what you do:

Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

And the things cannot be about you. The idea is to take your thoughts away from you and the way you look.

Just thought I’d share.

I am sooo proud of you all for not giving up, even when life feels like hell.

Keep fighting.  ❤

I don’t watch TV very often, but this season I’ve been watching The Voice. Kyla Jade (@kylasings on social media) was someone who stood out to me from the beginning.

Not only is she physically STUNNING, she has the most incredible heart, fun personality, & voice of a freaking goddess.

Tonight, Kyla performed the song “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman. In a behind the scenes shot, she was very emotional and said she chose that song because she has never felt beautiful, and wants to help other girls feel beautiful.

Needless to say, I sobbed through the entire performance. Still emotional typing this out.

If you follow my blog/page/whatever, you probably know by now that I feel that same way. But, to hear it coming from another person that they feel that way…ugh. I can never handle that. 😦

I wish I could heal everyone who feels that way.

Kyla, if you ever see this, I want you to know that you are phenomenal in every way. You are brave. You are bruised. You are who you’re meant to be.  ❤

Okay, so I have a photo album on my Facebook page called “Soooo….THIS is Online Dating.”

Basically, I like to gather up the amusing things that have been said to me on dating sites.

Don’t fret — I’m very nice — I cut out any pictures, names, etc., so no one knows who it is.

Anyway, the other night, I was going through messages I had received, when I came across this one:

 

Needless to say, I cried. Happy tears. I needed that so, so badly.

To me, being told this was basically like someone grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me, and saying, “Mariah, you are doing it! You are making a difference!”

Even if that difference is small as heck, I’ll take it.

 

So, thank you, dating site man. I am keeping this message for life. ♥️

I feel like the past few months I have been more sad than I ever have been before. And I’ve felt very suicidal.

Honestly, I don’t know that I would ever actually kill myself. But it’s the worst feeling in the world to want nothing more than to not be alive.

Luckily, I rediscovered my playlist on Spotify titled “songs to cry to”.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I like to listen to beautiful songs, and cry to them. Haha. Don’t judge me.

Anyway, I came across this beauty, and listened to it over and over and over while doing my followups at work.

“When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life…well, hang on.”

Hang on, Mariah.

 

“Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M.
When the day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

No, no, no, no you are not alone

My thoughts from a few days after the las vegas shooting.

 

Events like this really, really, really affect me.

I’m lying in bed, reading this article, tears streaming down my face.

Horrific things happen to people all around the world — Every. Stinking. Day.

That absolutely breaks me, and is why I tend to avoid the news.

My family knows how these sort of things affect me. I remember one night, I came home from work, and found my parents and some of my siblings sitting in the living room, talking.

They all looked very solemn as they became silent and looked at me when I walked through the door.

I asked, “What? What’s going on? What happened?” They looked at each other, and were hesitant to tell me, but I wanted to know.

They informed me that a tragedy, similar to this shooting, had occurred. I started sobbing.

When things like this happen, I think to myself, “How can life go on? How can we POSSIBLY go back to just living our daily lives after something like this?”

Like this article says, “the Las Vegas shooting took the lives of a nurse, a teacher, a police employee, and many others…they were people from different walks of life.”

They were PEOPLE. Living, breathing human beings. They have family and friends who love them. I’m sure they all had happy times and sad times in their lives.

They will not be forgotten.

I don’t know if you believe in God, and I don’t want to get all religious here. But, honestly, believing in God and knowing that things WILL be okay in the end is the ONLY freaking thing that gets me through events like this.

All I can do is pray.

My heart is aching for the people who were killed, the people who were injured; as well as their family, friends, and people in their lives.

My thoughts and prayers are with them all. ❤

If I could, I would spend time with each one of them. I wish I could be there to hold and comfort them — I’m sure they were terrified and confused.

I LOVE people. I’ve always had a great love for everyone in the world. I think this is in part because of my depression, body dysmorphia, anxiety, and the way I feel about myself.

So, in a way, I am actually very grateful for the way I feel and for my mental illness; it has made me love people in a way I don’t know I would be capable of if I didn’t feel the way I do every day.

I know that God has plans for each of us — each of the people affected by this tragedy — that are greater than we can even comprehend.

Things like this have to happen in life. We all have to go through trials, tragedies, and heartache to learn and be tested; that is why we are on this Earth.

God weeps when we weep, our heartaches are his heartaches

Although we don’t understand it now, although it hurts beyond measure, although it feels like the end of the world

I hope that, out of this horrific event, we will be led to bond together; to have a greater love for one another, to go out of our way to serve others, to recognize and remember that every single person has SO much worth.

Let us never forgot those we lost and those affected by this, but let us go forward.

Let us try to change the world for the better.

 

xoxo

“You made the right decision to come.” — Rick.

“The decision was made a long time ago; before any of us knew each other, when we were all strangers who would have just passed each other on the street before the world ended. And now we mean everything to each other.

You were in trouble. You were trapped. Glenn didn’t know you. He put himself in danger for you. And that started it all — from Atlanta, to my daddy’s farm, to the prison, to here…to this moment. Not as strangers — as family.

 

❤

My heart ached upon hearing of Chester Bennington’s suicide.

Suicide is a very sensitive topic for me. I’ve had too many loved ones take their lives. I also feel suicidal very often. For me, I think I’m too chicken to ever follow through with it, but that doesn’t make those feelings of absolute despair and darkness any less real.

My heart breaks for Chester, as well as his family and friends. I don’t know EXACTLY what he felt and was going through, but I know what it’s like to want to die; to be done, to feel freed, to escape the pain.

I honestly hadn’t listened to Linkin Park for years, but I took the time to listen to their song, “Heavy” and fell in love.

 

Some of the lyrics I feel that I relate to are:

“I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down. I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy…cause I can’t escape the gravity.”

“I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? So much more than I can carry. I  keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on. Why is everything so heavy?”

“You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so f****ing messy.”

 

So stinkingggg relatable. I’m literally BARELY holding on; every stinking day. I didn’t make the choice to let my mind be so messy. If I just let go, I’d be set free.

Oh. My. Gosh. Literally my new favorite picture. :’) 
I oftennnn have a hard time believing that God loves me. I find it easy to believe that he loves everyone ever…except me. 

I think this is because of my depression; I feel unworthy of love. I feel pathetic, useless, selfish for feeling so sad all the time, vain for caring about the way I look, etc. 

I love Heavenly Father unconditionally. I pray to Him at least 5 times (usually more) throughout each day. I love that we, His children, can pray to Him anytime & anywhere. To me, that is beyond incredible. 

I have little silent prayers daily to help me through my struggles. 

I know He hears every single prayer. He weeps when we weep, He smiles when we smile. 

I just have a hard time believing He loves ME. So, I just try to have faith. Faith is an incredible thing. Blindly believing in something you can’t see, can’t touch..our minds don’t find that logical. But, I have & always have had A LOT of faith. I have to. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. 

So, I’ve made up my mind to start believing that God loves ME. I am lovable. I am special. I am powerful. I am brave. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am strong. I can do hard things. 

Even just typing this, I’m tearing up. Haha. It’s just so hard for me to actually believe. But, I’m going to do all in my power to start believing. 💛

I love you all unconditionally. And our Father in Heaven loves you unconditionally as well. NEVER forget that. You are NEVER alone. He knows your pains, your heartaches, your sufferings. 

Don’t give up. You are loved beyond measure. 

(Please disregard that I am in a bikini top).

I almost never smile with my teeth, because it makes my face look fat(ter). But, I feel good today. I had my feelings really hurt because of something that happened on Thursday, & I was having a REALLY rough time with it.

I felt completely pathetic, used, & worthless.

Last night, I cried some more, but then I started thinking to myself, “Mariah, you deserve better than that. Move on. Stand yourself back up on your feet. You can do this.” I deserve better?! Since when have I ever been that kind to myself?!

I kept repeating good things over & over & over in my mind. “Mariah, you deserve better.” & for the first time in a loooong freakin’ time, I feel amazing today.