not my typical blog post.

Something to spice up my blog…haha.

I have an album on Facebook titled, “Soooo….THIS is Online Dating,” where I post interesting conversations and whatnot that I have in my online dating experience. This might be one of my favorites thus far.

“Don’t want to die…I want to workout then get seafood”

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cutting & self-harm.

Last night I cut myself. It was the first time in probably 2 months or so. I’m literally always sad, but some things had happened that brought me to an incredibly low, & dark place.

I sat on my bedroom floor sobbing, as I cut my arm with a razor blade.

In the moment, it gives a sense of euphoria. You are more concentrated on the physical pain & blood than on your emotional & mental pains.

But, even in the moment, I regretted it. I regretted it, but I kept cutting. I would cut, & make a fist with my hand so I could see the blood run out.

I cut because I felt completely and utterly alone, helpless, & hopeless.

We’ve probably all felt that way at some point in our lives; maybe some more often than others.

But, you guys, I should not have done that. I’m certainly not proud of it. I feel pathetic, embarrassed, & ashamed.

I just hope you all know there is always a better outlet. Honestly, I wanted so badly to go to the gym & run till my legs gave out. But I recently had surgery & can’t work out for another 2 weeks. :/

 

Cutting and self-harm is NEVER the answer. Same with suicide. I feel suicidal often. Like, very often. But, I also know it’s not the answer to my problems.

I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!! Please know that! And please, please come to me if you ever feel like self-harm or suicide is your way out.

I am here for you. I promise there is hope for you. ❤ And I’m still trying to convince myself of that, so I hear you. 😉

xo

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social media.

Social Media is like a drug dealer for people with Body Dysmorphia. The “drug,” (viewing all those pictures and whatnot) is killing you, but you keep going back to the “drug dealer,” (Social Media), for more.

You see literally countless pictures of gorgeous women with perfect bodies, hair, faces, etc., etc. Everything I don’t have.

And it kills you.

You hate yourself. You despise the way you look. You would do anything; pay any price, just to look different. You cry literally every single day. You often want to die. Or, at least, I do.

I see a blonde girl and think, “I should dye my hair blonde again. Maybe I’ll look like her.” Literally 5 seconds later of scrolling through newsfeed I see a brunette woman, “She gorgeous! Why can’t I look like that?!”

“She’s tan. Maybe I’d look good if I was tan.”

“Her nose is perfect. Mine is huge.” (I want a nose job soooo badly).

“I hate my huge head and fat face.”

It goes on and on and on…

 

Your mind races; you feel out of control. The sadness builds and builds, until you feel like you are at your very breaking point.

In fact, it often makes me feel very suicidal.

 

Anywayyyy, haha. I might post more about this later.

 

Love you all. xo

“our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”

A friend sent me this. I replied, “The only reason I don’t like quotes like that is because they make me feel too prideful. But, I think that is just my depression getting in the way and telling me not to love myself.”

Why am I soooo quick to hate myself & repeatedly think cruel things about myself, yet soooo slow to just stinking love & be kind to myself for once?

Are you the same way? I think this is a big aspect of my life that needs to change.

How am I ever going to conquer my demons if I can’t give myself a little bit of credit?

 

Love you all so, so much. ❤ don’t give up.

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chance dillon slaymaker.

Chance Dillon Slaymaker is the brother of my brother’s ex-fiancé. He committed suicide just a few days before my brother and Chance’s sister were to be married.

I miss him literally EVERY day. I was so excited to have a little brother and get to spend so much more time with this beautiful soul.

I remember one time Chance was over at my house and I was makeup-less, about to do my makeup. I felt shy that he saw me without makeup. But, I could immediately tell he didn’t care whatsoever.

He simply started up a conversation with me. Talking with him always came so easily.

He was beyond kind, an amazing friend to all he met, fun, loving, and so much more.

As I visited his gravesite the other day, I was baffled to be reminded that he died clear back in 2013.

I wept as I spoke out-loud to him for a few minutes.

 

I love you so, so much, Chance. ❤

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