cutting & self-harm.

Last night I cut myself. It was the first time in probably 2 months or so. I’m literally always sad, but some things had happened that brought me to an incredibly low, & dark place.

I sat on my bedroom floor sobbing, as I cut my arm with a razor blade.

In the moment, it gives a sense of euphoria. You are more concentrated on the physical pain & blood than on your emotional & mental pains.

But, even in the moment, I regretted it. I regretted it, but I kept cutting. I would cut, & make a fist with my hand so I could see the blood run out.

I cut because I felt completely and utterly alone, helpless, & hopeless.

We’ve probably all felt that way at some point in our lives; maybe some more often than others.

But, you guys, I should not have done that. I’m certainly not proud of it. I feel pathetic, embarrassed, & ashamed.

I just hope you all know there is always a better outlet. Honestly, I wanted so badly to go to the gym & run till my legs gave out. But I recently had surgery & can’t work out for another 2 weeks. :/

 

Cutting and self-harm is NEVER the answer. Same with suicide. I feel suicidal often. Like, very often. But, I also know it’s not the answer to my problems.

I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!! Please know that! And please, please come to me if you ever feel like self-harm or suicide is your way out.

I am here for you. I promise there is hope for you. ❤ And I’m still trying to convince myself of that, so I hear you. 😉

xo

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social media.

Social Media is like a drug dealer for people with Body Dysmorphia. The “drug,” (viewing all those pictures and whatnot) is killing you, but you keep going back to the “drug dealer,” (Social Media), for more.

You see literally countless pictures of gorgeous women with perfect bodies, hair, faces, etc., etc. Everything I don’t have.

And it kills you.

You hate yourself. You despise the way you look. You would do anything; pay any price, just to look different. You cry literally every single day. You often want to die. Or, at least, I do.

I see a blonde girl and think, “I should dye my hair blonde again. Maybe I’ll look like her.” Literally 5 seconds later of scrolling through newsfeed I see a brunette woman, “She gorgeous! Why can’t I look like that?!”

“She’s tan. Maybe I’d look good if I was tan.”

“Her nose is perfect. Mine is huge.” (I want a nose job soooo badly).

“I hate my huge head and fat face.”

It goes on and on and on…

 

Your mind races; you feel out of control. The sadness builds and builds, until you feel like you are at your very breaking point.

In fact, it often makes me feel very suicidal.

 

Anywayyyy, haha. I might post more about this later.

 

Love you all. xo

“our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”

A friend sent me this. I replied, “The only reason I don’t like quotes like that is because they make me feel too prideful. But, I think that is just my depression getting in the way and telling me not to love myself.”

Why am I soooo quick to hate myself & repeatedly think cruel things about myself, yet soooo slow to just stinking love & be kind to myself for once?

Are you the same way? I think this is a big aspect of my life that needs to change.

How am I ever going to conquer my demons if I can’t give myself a little bit of credit?

 

Love you all so, so much. ❤ don’t give up.

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chance dillon slaymaker.

Chance Dillon Slaymaker is the brother of my brother’s ex-fiancé. He committed suicide just a few days before my brother and Chance’s sister were to be married.

I miss him literally EVERY day. I was so excited to have a little brother and get to spend so much more time with this beautiful soul.

I remember one time Chance was over at my house and I was makeup-less, about to do my makeup. I felt shy that he saw me without makeup. But, I could immediately tell he didn’t care whatsoever.

He simply started up a conversation with me. Talking with him always came so easily.

He was beyond kind, an amazing friend to all he met, fun, loving, and so much more.

As I visited his gravesite the other day, I was baffled to be reminded that he died clear back in 2013.

I wept as I spoke out-loud to him for a few minutes.

 

I love you so, so much, Chance. ❤

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remember that I love you.

Sometimes I feel like days I feel the most sad, the more grateful I feel for each of you.

I hope so badly you all know how deep my love is for you.

I pray for you all, I think of you often, I want the very best for you.

My heart aches when you struggle, my heart is happy when you are happy.

I love you. So, so dang much. ❤

I love you

change the world.

Pictures like this make me smile, cry, make me want to be a better person; make me want to change the world for the better. I have pictures like this covering my bedroom walls.

I have been sad my entire life. I have felt hideous for as long as I can remember, which dates back to my elementary school years. I have always wanted so badly to look like certain girls, be beautiful, feel beautiful.

My mind plays a record of “I’m ugly, I’m fat, my nose is huge, my face is chubby, my breasts aren’t big enough,” etc. literally hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day. It is literally every hour, every minute, every second.

One of the few things that keeps me going; keeps me from taking my life & being free of the heartache, the countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, the cutting, the daily battle of finding joy in life…one of those things is people like in this photo.

Those children are so incredibly beautiful. They may have close to nothing as far as material things in life, but look at those stunning smiles, look at the light they give off; look at that pure joy.

I think to myself, if they are happy, I need to be happy. This is easier said than done when you have Clinical Depression, hardcore anxiety, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder, but I am trying. It is so, so hard when people don’t understand that, so please be understanding of myself and others. But, heck, I am trying every second of every day.

I won’t give up. I won’t give in.

You know what keeps me going? Helping others. You guys, it is my dreammmmmm to help others who go through what I do. My heart aches for that. It’s my dream to go build wells for people who don’t have clean water to drink. It’s my dream to lift others who are down, give hope to the hopeless, bring smiles to those suffering.

It is my dream to change the world.

If I can make even one person’s life less burdensome, “save” someone’s life in essence, that, that right there brings me joy.

That is what gives me a reason to go on. That is what fights the negative thoughts about myself, that is what heals the cuts on my arm, that is what gets me out of bed when all I want to do is sleep to avoid living.

That…helping & healing others. That is living.

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depression is being colorblind.

I’ve been having a hard time. Every day there are times when I feel in complete despair – some days the sadness is much more profound than others. Every day I ache for escapism. I feel like I don’t want to live, but at the same time, I want so badly to experience life & explore the world.

I weep. I pray for help. I pray for peace of mind. I used to pray I would die.

It feels impossible to explain how I feel – it is literally beyond words. You have to live, breathe, & experience it to really know; to fully understand.

And even then, I don’t understand it. It seems like it’s not even humanly possible to have such heartache day in and day out.

I love you all so, so much. Keep going & let’s not give up, deal?

xo
Mariah

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