It feels as if my Body Dysmorphia has been worse than ever lately.

The other day, I sat down to eat lunch with a woman I work with. We have  had small talk here and & there, but never really talk-talked. Depression came up in the conversation, & I mentioned I have it. She was shocked & said something like, “I would never have any idea! I thought you had everything going for you.”

It almost made me cry, because for me, that depression…that nasty, evil thing…that is my life.

 
I cry every single day. I feel ugly and think about the way I look nearly every minute of everyday. And that is not an exaggeration. I often don’t smile because it makes my face look fat. I hate my big nose, my big head, my face. My chest is too small. My voice is annoying. I wish my eyes were shaped differently, my eyebrows placed & arched differently. Etc.

 
Sometimes I cry at work. I often want to die. I feel unlovable. I don’t date because I don’t feel pretty enough. I don’t think a man will ever see me as “enough” & love me. I have an incredibly hard time going out in public or in social settings, because I feel hideous & believe everyone is thinking i am as well. I don’t like to be seen by people.

 
People think I say these things for attention. I wish they knew how real it is. Body Dysmorphia controls my life. I am working hard to fight back against the countless cruel things I say to myself every day, but it is a long and trying process.

 
Here are some symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Please, always be kind to everyone & don’t judge. You never know what battles people are facing on the inside.

 

I don’t want to continue living. I hate every day. I hate myself. I am hideous.

My heart hurts. My soul and mind hurt.

I’m sitting here at work, trying so hard to not start sobbing.

{The following is some writings I found from months ago.}

—

Hope is a huge things for me. Some days, when I have a little glimpse of hope, it almost (or sometimes does) make me cry.

It’s as if the very idea, the very thought that things can actually get better is so foreign to me, that it fills my body, mind, and soul with so many overwhelming emotions.

—

It’s as if it’s magic; like the ultimate miracle.

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As cheesy and over-used as it sounds, I AM NOT ALONE. You are not alone. We – and I mean everyone in this world, no matter what battle we face – we are all little soldiers. We fight, day in and day out. We work hard to overcome difficulties. We cannot give up! We must not.

Sometimes, when I am at my very lowest points in life, and want nothing more than to be done – be gone, be freed from the way I feel – I think of you.

I think of you continuing to fight. I think of you not giving up. I think of you.

I love you. I love all of you. I love and admire you for who you are.

And I thank you for that.

xo

 

Love, love, love, love this. ❤ ❤ ❤

A few months ago, my best friend, Andie, and I had left the gym at about 1 am. We stood in the parking lot talking for another half an hour before we decided we were freezing, weren’t leaving anytime soon and decided to hop into her car for warmth. From that point, we talked another hour and a half or so. It was one of my favorite times spent with her. 🙂

Anyway! What I wanted to talk about what something she said that night that struck me. We were talking about girls and how cruel they can be. We shared certain stories that had affected us and whatnot.

Andie shared some stories about a girl we both know who was always very popular. She was beautiful, all the guys obsessed over her, etc., but she was always so cruel to those who were perhaps seen as “nerdy,” unpopular, and those who would be targets for her to have power over them.

Andie told me some of the things this girl had said and done to her. I felt furious. I feel so protective over people I know, and it broke my heart to hear these stories. Andie is very different from me in the sense that she can easily blow things like that off and whatnot. She has enough confidence to not let those things get to her. (At least this is how I see it).

I wanted to scream and punch something as I heard these stories. I hate any time anyone is bullied or treated poorly. It breaks my heart.

Andie was very calm throughout the whole story-telling, and was even smiling and kind of getting a kick out of it. At one point, she kind of shyly, yet proudly said, “But, I was never mean to her!” as she laughed.

Andie is extremely humble, so I couldn’t tell if she was laughing because she felt shy of saying something good about herself or what. (That’s often how I am).

—-

However simple that statement was, it really got me thinking. In fact, I teared up as I realized… I have basically never been mean to anyone. I have never been cruel, teased, or bullied anyone. In fact, even though I’m shy and self-conscious as heck, I have always tried my hardest through school, work, out in public, etc. to go out of my way to help and be kind to those who may not feel confident in themselves, may be different than others, may be teased by others, etc.

I mean, let’s be honest, when siblings are young, they fight and tease and whantot, but then you forgive and forget. As far as being rude to someone who is not in my immediate family, I truly don’t know that I ever have been.

I don’t say this to boast, I say it because for ONCE in my life I felt so proud of myself!

—-

A person who is kind to everyone is one of the most attractive qualities I think anyone can have. It’s one of the very first things I look for in a man as I date. It speaks novels about their character.

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Anyway, I just felt like I wanted to share that. Haha. Please always remember to be kind, smile at those you see, go out of your way and comfort zone so you can have the opportunity of comforting and uplifting others. We can all help each other get through this life that is, at times, so brutal and feels impossible.

Love you all so, so much.

xo

Mariah

 

 

{I wrote this in my creative writing class. It was an assignment where you chose a phrase and write a short line for the beginning letter of each word.  Haha. Sorry, I don’t even know how to explain}

I chose to use “DONE WITH WHAT I’VE LOST” which is a line from a song by Straylight Run.

Depression.
Obsession.
No one.
Everyone’s

Watching.
Imagine
That
Happiness.

Whatever
Happens. There is
Always
Time.

I‘m moving on. I’m
Vanishing with
Every word.

Love,
Of
Something,
That is no longer real.

If you’ve ever seen the movie “Pursuit of Happyness” (and yes, the title is spelled like that), you may remember a line where Will Smith says, “They all looked so damn happy to me. Why couldn’t I look like that?”

Now, on that note…

Due to my social anxiety and Body Dysmorphia, going out shopping and whatnot can be incredibly overwhelming and intimidating for me. If you’ve read some of my other posts, you may know that I feel ugly literally every day. So being out in public, particularly when there are a lot of people (at a mall for example) is very, very difficult for me. I tend to feel that anyone who even looks at me is thinking I look fat, ugly, have a big nose, a big head, etc. All my insecurities become even more intense when I’m around people.

Several months ago, I went to a store in the mall to ask a question about a product I had seen online. I was having one of my days where I felt even more hideous that usual and was super shy, but I went up to a worker at the store and asked my question. We chatted for a bit as I asked some follow-up questions. I felt so shy and awkward, but I was trying to smile a lot and be super friendly.

At some point in our conversation, I glanced up for just a split-second and saw a woman. She had a huge smile on her face; she looked beautiful, kind, and happy. I thought to myself, “Wow, I wish I was that happy.” As I did a double take, I realized… that woman was me! In that split-second of time, I had seen my own reflection in a big mirror that was across the store.

—

I felt speechless; it was if time froze. The worker and I soon finished up our conversation and I browsed the store a bit, thinking about what had just happened, then journeyed home.

Since then, I’ve thought about that moment from time to time.

To think that I had seen myself and thought, “wow, she is beautiful,” is like…the rarest moment of my entire life.

I wanted to share this and then follow it up with the definition of Body Dysmorphia on the Mayo Clinic website…

—

According to the Mayo Clinic website, “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. But you may feel so ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming or seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress, and impact your ability to function in your daily life”.

—

Interesting, yes? In that split-second, I saw a happy, beautiful woman…

It was incredibly eye-opening. It made it all the more clear to me that, in order for me to truly feel and believe I am beautiful – inside and out – it needs to start with me. Start with retraining my thoughts, start being kind to myself.

When I realized I was “the woman” I had seen, I realized… this is what everyone tries to tell me about myself all the time, this is it. I am that woman.

I am that woman.

Now, I just need to believe it.

 

 

I am, by no means, thrilled about the 2 people we had to choose between to be the president of our beautiful country.
—
I have stressed, worried my heart out, & literally cried so much as these long months have gone by.
—
Over and over I thought, “this is the end for our country. It has gotten this bad?! I don’t want to live if this is how it is”.
—
Today, strangely enough, I feel at peace. Part of me is hurting all the more, as I see what people are saying on Facebook & whatnot. This election has destroyed friendships, families; it seriously feels to me like we have sucked the love out of everything and everyone.
—
But, part of me is at peace. I believe in God. I believe in this country. I believe in us. Guys, this is not the end. We are not defeated. Life will go on.
—
As my good friend used to tell me, “you got this”. Guys, we got this! I truly believe that. I feel it in my heart.
—
America is strong. I am so freaking proud to be a American. I LOVE this country. I feel blessed & honored to live here.
—
Let’s work together to make this work.

{Written in High School – exact date unknown}

I hate that I am here.
People are happy,
and smiling.

I may be smiling,
but inside I’m dying,
and crying out for help.

I want to hurt myself;
cut.
Just to remove some of the pain.

She tells me not to.

I want to be dead.
I feel bad, feel guilty
that my family has to suffer
with me around.

I know I should be grateful.
But I’m not.
I wish I had not
chosen to come.

I don’t know why
people are nice to me.
I have no reason
to deserve it.

{Written in High School – exact date unknown}

This one had a little doodle I had done with it. The title “ME” was above a rectangle that read…

 

ME

fat
ugly
jerk
brat
selfish
coward
messed up
depressed
lonesome

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I feel like this writing is the epitome of depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.