i love the life i wish i lived.

{Written while in my Creative Writing class in High School. I don’t remember for certain, but I’m pretty sure I was talking about being so sad that I kill myself with a piece of glass from a mirror. This kind of gives a look into my longing to feel happiness and when I feel nothing but sadness, I would feel like I just wanted to die and disappear to escape the emotional pain. Honestly, I have felt suicidal more times than I can even count}

 

There I am.
I see myself.
I  smile, laugh.

But I don’t feel it.
Only see it.

I reach out
To only touch it —
To feel that happiness.
All I feel is emptiness.

And then —
The image vanishes.
That happy girl, gone.

I’ve killed it.
Burned the dream.

My cheeks are wet.
I feel so cold, God.

I see someone staring back at me in the mirror.
Who are you?
Leave me alone!
Let me be happy!

I grip it.
I shake.
I push it in —
Look back in the mirror.

It’s me.
I’m real.
But I’m done now. Over.

I’m disappearing.
I let out my last gasp of breath, of life,

Of me.

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