suicide, suicidal thoughts… – november 21st, 2014

I’ve been wanting to do a post about this for quite some time now. But, like I said in a previous post, I just worry that by me posting about this stuff, everyone will think I’m out to seek attention or whatevs. I just like to remind myself of the wise words my dear friend Cassidy Diamond once told me: “I always say that if someone has a problem with it, it’s not my fault, but theirs.” Hehe, anyway, carrying on…  😉

This is kinda funny, but what finally kind of pushed me into doing this post was watching an episode of “The Facts of Life”. Haha, I did not know about this show until recently, because it’s from the 70/s and 80’s. It’s so awesome though, my sister and I love to watch it and just kinda make fun of it.

Anyway, we were watching an episode the other night at a friend’s house and it was about suicide. Our friend’s cute little brother turned to me about 10 minutes into the episode and said, “This episode is really, really sad.” I just smiled at him, not knowing what I was getting into, haha!

The next thing I knew, one of the girls on the show had taken a bunch of pills and killed herself. It totally took me by surprise, but it was kind of cool, because this led into a way for the show to approach the subject of suicide (which I feel like people are scared to talk about), and they talked about how it’s not the answer to your problems, etc. I was just grateful that the room was pitch black because I seriously was sitting there crying to myself. It just hit so close to home of what I’ve been feeling recently, that it brought me to tears just thinking about the subject. So, anyway, that’s kind of what got me to finally getting around to posting on this subject.

I just really hope that someone may read this that is struggling like me. And they will realize they are not alone. I know sometimes it helps for me to meet people who struggle with depression, because they know how it is.

—–

For the past few weeks I’ve been really, really sad. More than usual. And I’ve had quite a few times where I’ve felt like killing myself, or just dying in general, is what I wanted. For me, the suicidal thoughts kind of come and go when I’m having a really hard time. Luckily, I’m a scaredy cat, so I’ve never acted on anything.

Don’t hate me for my honesty, please. And know that I am working on not feeling so sad, etc. 🙂 It’s a process!

So, I’m kind of sad…like, all the time. I feel ugly and fat all the time. I don’t like the way I look, and I wish I looked different. I feel like my face is so chubby, and no matter how much I work out, it’s still that way. There is an idea in my mind of what I wish I looked like, but I can’t achieve that.

I remember feeling this way for as long as I can remember, which dates back to some point in elementary school. I was the super shy, quiet, good student. I remember always feeling jealous of the pretty, popular girls and feeling self-conscious about my own appearance.

I’m really self-conscious about my nose and I call it the “clown nose,” because it’s big and round. Haha! Stuff like this sounds silly and I feel incredibly embarrassed admitting it, but this is my everyday battle. My thoughts are what I try to change every single day. Every single hour. It’s a constant battle.

(I hope I’m not getting off the topic of suicide too much. I guess I’m just sharing thoughts and feelings that have led me to suicidal thoughts…)

I was thinking the other day: I would NEVER say or even THINK the things I say to myself to or about another person.

A while back I had a therapist that really put that into perspective for me (and apparently I had forgotten, because I was just reminded of it). He asked me, if I had a friend who would follow me around all day, saying the things into my ear about me that I think to myself, how long would I put up with that? How long would I let that person be my “friend”? When he put it this way, I started crying. Hearing those things from someone else would break my heart. So, Mariah, what is the difference between someone else telling you those things and YOU telling yourself that?  Yeah, I need to kick my butt and not let my mind run that coarse anymore! 😉

—–

I have really bad social anxiety. Depending on the day, going out in public is harder some days than others. I tend to feel like everyone is watching me, and if they’re looking at me, I automatically think that they must be thinking negative things about me. I assume they’re thinking I have a big nose, or that I’m fat, or that I have something on my face.

These thoughts and feeling are all-consuming. Based off of feelings alone, if I could, I would sometimes run away and avoid the anxiety all together. But, obviously that’s not realistic, so to counteract these feelings, I try the “fake it til you make it” mentality. I try to carry myself well, hold my head up high, and I make eye contact with strangers and smile at them. I really try to think outside myself, even when all my thoughts are telling me negative things about myself. This can be incredibly helpful and really helps my anxiety subside and leave room for me to try to look out for other people in the world.

—–

I have had multiple people that I love commit suicide and the heartache does NOT get any easier each time. Such young, beautiful souls leaving this beautiful world in an attempt to be relieved of whatever pain they feel; whether it be physical, emotional, etc.

Last year, in about June/July, I had a new friend come into my life. My brother, Kyle, was dating a girl, and often when the two of them would come over they’d bring her younger brother, Chance.

Chance was THE sweetest boy, and SO handsome (I had a little crush on him). I remember one time he was working with my dad and I was in the living room of our house about to put on my makeup. Chance came in, got a glass of water, then came and stood by the staircase in our living room, just looking at me. I laughed because I seriously felt so embarrassed, sitting there with no makeup on; I felt hideous. But little Chance didn’t seem to care about that, he just started a friendly conversation with me! If I remember right, he asked me if I was ever scared of my dad, haha. I answered truthfully, and said that yes, sometimes I was intimidated by him, because he can be very quiet and sometimes you have no idea what he’s thinking. I then asked Chance if he was scared of my dad. He was quick to answer that he wasn’t, but that he enjoyed working with him. I was so proud of little Chance, out there working hard with my dad.

One thing I remember so vividly about Chance is that he could make anyone feel comfortable in any situation. There was no awkward tension about what you should talk about when you were around him, you just talked, and laughed. Chance could make anyone laugh.

I remember loving having Chance around because it just felt like he loved life and I needed that in my life. I honestly always thought he was the happiest kid alive and had everything going for him. But what someone portrays on the outside can be so deceiving.

Kyle and his girlfriend had gotten engaged and now it was just a few days til their wedding. I remember this day like it was yesterday and I still get teary-eyed talking or even typing about it. I was in my mom and dad’s room watching a movie with one of my nieces. My sister, Jessica, came into the room. I remember her face looked so solemn, even when I smiled at her. She asked me if I had heard the news, and when I said I hadn’t, she told me that Kyle’s fiance’s brother had killed himself. I remember sitting there, seriously feeling like there was no way that was even true and that she probably had it wrong for some reason. Somehow it finally clicked that she was talking about Chance.

“Chance killed himself?” I thought, “There is no way he’d do that. He was so happy!” When I started crying, Jessica asked me to go out with her to the living room. I can’t remember if my other sisters were already there, but I remember sitting on the couch, Jessica beside me, and I just bawled. The first stage of loss and grief is “Denial”, and boy, was I feelin’ that! I had never in my life felt so confused, horrified and sorrowful, all at the same time. I remember repeating things like “No, he can’t.” “It’s not real.” “Why?!”

What I remember saying the most was, “I don’t understand” over, and over, and over. I did not want this to be my reality. I could not bring myself to believe that young, handsome, sweet Chance had taken his own life.

I remember sitting on that couch sobbing, holding my sister Christine’s hand and just waiting for whatever came next. What could happen next? Life honestly felt like it was not meant to go on. There must be some way we can rewind, fix this, and live life happily with Chance.

It wasn’t until this time that one of my sisters brought something to my attention that I had no knowledge of. Chance had depression. I learned that the reason my brother and his fiance had been bringing Chance over to my house so frequently so that he could get to know us all better and feel comfortable coming over to us if he ever needed help or comfort, (because Kyle and his fiance would be moving out of the state after their marriage). This was the first time I had been informed that Chance had depression.

Then I felt mad. I felt mad, and was full of regret for not knowing this. Surely, I thought, if I had known, I could have been there for him, I could have helped him! I had no idea he was hurting so badly! No idea. He hid it well, like I try to.

And the fact that I know all too well how it feels to want to die, to be done with this life, to escape this pain you feel….that’s what really killed me; to know that he was suffering like I do. That broke my heart. I wish with all my heart we could have him back on this earth, and to let him know there is another way; that suicide is not the way.

But, we can’t do that. All I can do is remember him; remember my love for him, the way he made me feel, and try to help others who may be feeling the same sadness. I know we will see Chance again. And for that, I am so grateful. 🙂

—–

Sometimes I’ll text my brother Kyle when I need to vent or just tell someone I feel sad. One day when I told him I wanted to kill myself, he responded with something that I’d like to share. He said:

“After Chance did it, I debated it for a long time. One day I kinda had a mental battle with myself and came to this conclusion: I don’t really want to die, there are too many things I want to do in this world. What I wanted, was escapism; to get away from my current problems. If you remember, soon after, Christine and I went on that random road trip and it was really liberating. I realized at any minute I could drop everything in my life and change course, if I really wanted to. And I knew that would always be a better option than death.”

I love that. There is always a better option than taking your life.

—–

I love you all. I hope this helps, at least a little. I know my thoughts come randomly and I’m not the best at organizing…

Please know this: You are loved. If by no one else, I LOVE YOU! Seriously, I love people!

Feel free to ask questions or tell me your thoughts and/or stories. 🙂

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