here goes. – august 8th, 2012

I just want to start off by saying: I do not want this blog to be something that makes you all feel sad for me, or to be a major downer. Even with all the sad thoughts and feelings I may share on here, it is only to show another viewpoint.  Another person’s life.  Another story.

I have a very bad memory and often don’t remember stories or inside jokes from the past unless I am reminded of them.  Sometimes my friends will even say something funny, then they tell me it was me that said it in the past.

Anyway, ever since I can remember, Elementary School and up, I remember feeling sad. Sad about myself, the way I look, my body, etc.  I didn’t like my hair, my body, my clothes, nothing really. I felt jealous of the ‘popular’ girls in school who seemed to get all the attention from the boys.

Something I found interesting is that, as sad as I felt all that time, I asked my mom the other day if I seemed sad and would say I felt ugly when I was that age.  She said that I seemed like I was fine and even happy.   I don’t know or remember if I just hid it inside and kept it to myself or what.

Middle School was, by all means, no easier than elementary school.  I would dread going to school each day. I would go to the restroom several times throughout the day to check on how I looked, never feeling satisfied. I felt like people were always staring at me because I was so ugly.

I don’t remember when I started showing or telling my mom how sad I felt so much of the time.  I also don’t know when my mom started taking me into the doctor’s office because of the hard time I was having. I think it was probably 8th or 9th grade, but it may have even been later on.

I was prescribed and started taking medications for both Anxiety and Depression.
I remember getting stomach aches very often in elementary and middle school.  I now realize they were most likely because of my anxiety; my fear of speaking in front of the class, my fear of even going to school, etc.

Being diagnosed with Depression can be a hard thing to explain because, well, we all get sad now and then, right?  Cases are different for every individual, of course.

The general idea and definition of Major depressive disorder (MDD) on Wikipedia is:
“A mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.”
“Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person’s family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.”
“The diagnosis of major depressive disorder is based on the patient’s self-reported experiences, behavior reported by relatives and friends, and a mental status examination.”

For me, I was often majorly depressed because I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, like I didn’t compare to the other girls I would see around me, like I had no chance of ever having a man who would love me and only me.  When I recognized how I was feeling, it seemed to only get worse.  I then felt mad at myself for feeling so selfish and being sad over something that shouldn’t matter.  It was, and is, like a vicious cycle in a sense.

More to come.

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